Naughty vs. Nice

I’m not really sure if the Lord disapproves of my recent bout of naughtiness but the way I see it, this must still be a part of His plan. After being a good girl all my life, going from one Catholic School to another since Kinder until I finished College, I guess I need to get all the “dark side” out of my system before I can fully discover, accept and embrace the life He has in store for me. I’m positive about the last part—He has a beautiful and perfect life laid out for every single one of us, no matter how far we stray from the Right Path.

I learned a very important lesson today—the only way we can truly know Our Father and Jesus Christ is through the Holy Spirit. Now comes the hard part, actually inviting, recognizing and accepting the Holy Spirit and allowing the Holy Trinity’s magic to become an integral part of our souls, and our lives. This is still a bit on the theoretical side for me as the concept of “total surrender” is still starting to take shape right now so I’ll leave this whole thing be for now. Won’t trouble myself with internalizing this just yet, lest I get too O.C. with the whole thing.

Going back to the first paragraph, I wasn’t kidding about the “good girl” part. For 30 years I’ve lived a life of self-imposed chastity, not always for the right reasons as during the latter part (read: hormonal years), my biggest motivation to wait was guilt. Next was the fear of getting pregnant out of wedlock followed by the deadly threat of STDs, especially AIDS. Hey, paranoia is your best friend sometimes. I never cursed even a couple of years after I left college (guilt again). I stayed away from all forms of vices—illegal drugs, smoking, alcoholic beverages, sex. Well, I did succumb to one vice in the middle of college: FOOD (grrr!). I was also a model student. I never cheated on my exams. That’s why I’m really proud of my scholastic accomplishments cuz I know I earned it through a lot of hard work. Same reason why I have huge dark circles under my eyes (sleepless nights, natch). I don’t brag about them either (except for right now. Hehe.) cuz somehow I feel guilty and embarrassed, even if someone else talks about my “titles.” Don’t ask me why. I’d rather be a diva than a dean’s lister in other people’s eyes? I dunno.

I steered clear of boys and then men cuz I figured they would just distract me from my scholastic goals. I used to see men as temptation. Again, dunno why. Mostly though, I think growing up without knowing my real dad messed up my opinion of men in general. I never even went out with a guy without anyone else while I was in school. Again, guilt. I tried it and it left a bad taste in my mouth, figuratively of course. Say it with me, Ewww!

Uh-oh, we’re heading into man-ny territory! (Pun intended. *wink* Tee Hee.) In the last quarter of 2007, however, I found myself befriending guys, no romantic attachments, just bonding over silly stuff like gadgets and superheroes. That’s when I realized that guys aren’t so bad after all. Especially if you’re lucky enough to be friends with those who respect women. I also became friends with pretty sexy ladies. And by sexy, I mean naughty. Women who aren’t afraid to talk about sex, men, and of all things, batong! And that’s when the fun began. I don’t know how or when it happened but I turned into what Simon would probably call a “naughty little minx.” Well, minus the little but you get the point.

As long as the ones I’m talking with are game, sexual banter ensues and it was sooo much fun! It still is actually. And yet, I still find myself conflicted. I feel guilty now and then, especially when I think the conversation or exchange has gone too far. What’s more, simultaneous to this whole process (Mimi’s naughty side unleashed), another discovery is unfolding, the spiritual growth I’ve been yearning for all my life is starting to bloom. So now I’m really torn—where do I draw the line? How do I strike a balance between the naughty me and the good me? Is that even possible? Or maybe I should just continue my journey of spiritual discovery and give my naughty side the chance to exhaust itself until such time that the good will outweigh the naughty?

Now I know the answer to this question.

First, naughty stuff can only go so far and then it becomes boring—literally. It’s like you grow tired of hearing the same thing every day that you simple wake up one day and decide, ok, it’s time to stop. It’s like a light bulb in your head that was turned off for so long that when the light finally appears, its blinding and can get a little overwhelming at first but as you get used to it, you realize that staying in the dark is nothing compared to being in the light. What’s more, when you decide to emerge into plain daylight, you realize that the world has so much to offer than what your limited idea of what it is. It’s akin to living in an island and then one day realizing that there are more islands to explore.

That’s what happened to me. It was like a cleansing of sorts. I’ve probably had that dark side for years but similarly suppressed it to live up to the standards set by my family and society at large. So when I discovered that it was ok to unleash it, as other people are being naughty anyway, it was like that dark side ran amok. Uncontrollable, irrepressible and just as annoying and irritating—might even have been a nuisance for other people. But, as they say, we make mistakes so we can learn from them, this gal has learned one mighty fine lesson—running amok may be fun to do but it can get a whole lot confusing and overwhelming, especially when you no longer have any control over yourself and the predicament you’ve gotten yourself into.

I still need to identify and set my own boundaries, in an effort to control my tendencies which I had restrained for far too long and now are left unfettered. So it would help if someone would blow the proverbial whistle once in a while. I hope it’s not asking for too much but I still am weak, I’m not ashamed to admit that. I also need help. That part is a little hard to accept. But I know that my actions don’t just affect my life but the people around me, people I love and care about. That’s why, as I begin this quest for redemption and salvation, I’m hoping that my friends will help me along the way. I trust you and I know you would never lead me astray. Thanks for everything you’ve done and said to help get me where I am now. Truly, everything happens for a reason and I’m glad He’s pulling the strings. See you at the other side? Take care and God bless.