The past few weeks have been interesting yet stressful at the same time. I guess my unhealthy habits have caught up with me. For one, I haven't been eating and sleeping on time. It's like my body clock has gone bonkers, and not in a good way. So not funny. You see, being a workaholic does take its toll when you let it go too far. I feel like I've been running back and forth trying to get things done and searching for ways to get my other blogs up and running and it's killing me. I should be saying my blog's making a killing now but no!
This is a lesson that I have to take to heart and perhaps record here, where I am most at home, because I want to be able to read it one day and say to myself, "Wow, was I really that O.C. about making money." Yes, I have a love-hate relationship with the idea of making money. It's like I feel guilty for trying too hard or that I'm not doing that much to get things going. I don't know why I'm scared of money. Hey, doesn't everyone try to make a living these days? It's like I carry this inner shame for wanting to buy fancy stuff for myself or my family. I don't want to waste time trying to justify that so I'm moving on.
I guess the point I'd like to make in this journal entry is that I need to chill out, hang out with friends, get a hobby, learn to have fun, and try to forget about problems and worries before I go nuts. lol. Kidding. Seriously, I've started taking up walking as my exercise again so that's a change in the right direction. Maybe I should stop counting steps for now and enjoy the scenery. I've been so caught up with the Pedometer in my ipod nano that I've forgotten how truly fascinating walking outside truly is. So glad I sold that treadmill.
Anyway, last night I walked to church, as I'm wont to do these days, but I didn't go in or anything. There was no mass, no prayer meeting, I wasn't dressed for our prayer room so I turned right and went down our local pier. Sure, it's a small one but it's where our ferry boats can be found. I so love riding them too but last night was about rumination. I gazed at the moon, the stars and I think it was Jupiter, that's what my Papa says. If it doesn't blink, it's Jupiter. Last time it was Venus. My father loves astronomy, one of his many hobbies. He's my idol, my Papa, he's a scientist (geologist) by profession, but he's also an artist. How I would love to be multi-dimensional like him. He writes ... he has already written his own memoirs although it is in Italian. Me? I'm still trying to gather enough courage to start writing my own book. That's a dream I've had for like a decade now. He also gazes at the stars and the planets. And I hear his eldest grandson, my nephew is starting to take an interest in Astronomy too. Wow! My Papa's family is so cool.
But I digress. I started walking because I wanted to lose weight and gain a new and better perspective at the same time. I read online that it was healthy to walk around while the sun is up so that you can soak up the wonders of nature during your walk. During one of those walks, I mustered up enough guts to climb the new bridge -- yeah, climb is the word. It was a wonder that I didn't lose breath during the whole thing though I did stop at the middle of the bridge to stare at the cute little birds flying back and forth. I had forgotten how little sparrows jump from one spot to another while they're on the ground. So cute! Then secret secret and I continued to the other side of the bridge. I went under the bridge and found so many different people. It was a discovery of sorts. I even found an older man jogging. Very interesting. Then there were some kids and parents who were on the playground and for some reason this brought back an old longing (for kids).
Yeah, I know, different year, same yearning. It's like old memories came rushing back and I couldn't help but wish that I had made different decisions, took the right steps and maybe found myself someone with whom to build a family with. And then the confusion came back. I've been flipping back and forth about this and I guess now I know that I was never meant to join the convent. I feel so bad saying that cuz for me it's like saying No to God. And I so want to say Yes! But then I also want a baby. Is that so bad? I hear myself asking the same question time and time again and the answer remains I dunno. This is such a deja vu moment.
I guess this is another Father issue that I have yet to address. Yes, I shy away from boys (before), men now, for some reason I just don't know how to act. I pretend I'm all cool but I'm still the same awkward Catholic schoolgirl I've always been deep inside. Sigh. No wonder I've got issues.
The worst part is, I so want to get over these issues so that I can just enjoy life. You know, live without fear or worry or doubt or any of that nonsense and once again it all comes back to Faith. So much has happened and yet I'm still rooted to the ground. So many people to help, so many projects to do, so many ways to serve, but I can't even sustain the one thing that I promised our Blessed Virgin. Oh my! This is not what I had planned when I coined up my own M.D. meaning -- Make a Difference.
Did you know that there are 3 homeless men living outside our church? Or that they were offered shelter but they decided to stay? I have yet to find out why but this is just the tip of the iceberg. So many children to feed,
so many beggars to help, so many homeless to shelter. Sure, giving a burger and bread here and there is cool but I so want to do more. This inaction is killing me. I think that's the third time I've mentioned that word. Apologies. Just an expression. It's like I want to spur myself into action, you know. But I have no idea which direction to take or what to do to help. The desire to serve is ingrained deep into my heart and subconscious yet I'm finding so many reasons not to. Silly huh? I think it's time to let my heart do the talking now.
And so I said yes to a project at my alma mater on Dec. 8, Immaculate Conception. Heaven help me if I don't show up cuz I'll probably be berating myself until the new year. There goes the positive thinking I'm supposed to be practicing by now. Okay, let me turn this around. They say total surrender to Jesus Christ is all it takes. Just say an unwavering "Yes!" to Christ and your life will be so much easier. The thing is, the closer I get to that point, the more I run or is it shy or dance away from Jesus. I am so done with games and I just want to obey His will, you know. For some reason though, I keep fighting even my own instincts. Today I realize that I haven't written a solid article in sooooo long. Plus, my mind is like a train, full speed ahead. I have so many ideas that I want to get down in writing but that's just it! So many buts. So many excuses. And yet, this is a moment of clarity that I am so grateful for. I'm so glad I finally got this off my chest. The past couple of weeks have been torture, both physically and emotionally. I got sick, chest pains, eye strain, migraine, so much rain in my life that I have to pause tonight and take stock of what I've done, said and haven't done until now.
For now, I just want to say a short prayer for Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.
I am forever grateful to You Lord Jesus for all the gifts that You have given me. I don't know why I'm making this so hard on myself but I know that somehow You are listening. And You are answering my prayers, one by one, even the ones left unsaid. Faith like a child. Faith as small as a mustard seed. You said that's all it takes. And I believe You. I believe in You. So while I'm writing this, I'm beginning to ask myself, why all these questions? Why not just believe, and trust, and LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!?! I mean, isn't that what life is all about? Now I am truly convinced that it's not time but LOVE that heals a broken heart and that's so true! I think I'm done thinking for tonight. I just wanted to thank You Jesus for everyone you have sent my way. For those who stayed for the long haul, especially my loving family and loyal friends. I may not be perfect but now I realize that I no longer want to be perfect because it brings so much pain. I just want to be simple now. And more faithful. Faith like a mustard seed. Faith like a child. Thank You Father. I am moved by Your love for me and I just wanted to say thank you. And one more thing ... I love You. Thank You Jesus. Praise You Jesus. Amen.
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