For the first time in weeks I was finally able to chat with my Father for longer than 10 minutes. FYI, calls to cellphones in Italy are sooooo expensive! I was so happy when my Papa said "Pronto?" This will probably be my word of the week, or so I think. I was so excited and nervous that my words kept pouring out like a faucet that was left open until my Papa finally said it was time to say bye bye. I have a feeling he could no longer understand me that well. Whenever I talk too fast, the language barrier steps in and poof! The magic is gone, for the night at least.
The thing is, my heart is kind of heavy right now. I know it's because we're miles apart and I have yet to see my father for the second time. I know, drama. I sooo want to fly to Rome right now and surprise my Papa. But the trepidation creeps back in. Will his family (my family too right?) accept me? Will they welcome me with open arms and warm embrace? In short, will I be accepted or rejected?
Rejection has always been my issue since birth. Actually, the one who pointed that out was one of the leaders at St. Mary's Little Children in Talisay, Cebu. Yes, she hit the mark right on target. And I've been haunted by that word ever since. I've shied away from potential friends, boyfriends, lovers ... you get the picture. I even wanted to join the convent at one point. But then I changed my mind. And I've been asking myself if that was the worst decision I ever made. Until now, I feel like I said "No" to God by saying no to joining the Carmelites. Yes, I was invited, I heard and felt the call, I knew where I was meant to go but still I said "No."
Can you imagine the guilt I've been carrying around since then. I feel like such a selfish, immature, horrible person for rejecting His call. Can you imagine my surprise when a local priest who I confessed this guilt to told me "You're not meant for the convent because you fall in love."
What? I was shocked and amazed at the same time because, embarrassing as it was, the priest hit the mark yet again. Yes, unfortunately, I do fall in love oh so easily. I fall in love (or like) at first sight or I develop feelings for guy friends who I allow to get close enough. And then, when one of them reciprocates, I head for the hills! Hey, if anyone has any advice on how to deal with this problem, please let me know k? lol.
Anyway, my story is filled with so many blessing and so many heartbreaks, but looking back now, I realize that the blessings outweigh the heartbreaks by tons. Immeasurable blessings, rewards probably for those times that I've been good. But wait, God isn't like that. He gives in equal measures and He can never be outgiven. I guess the only prayer that hasn't been answered (aside from seeing my Father again) is having a baby, a baby girl. I've always wanted one and I don't know why I turn away every time God sends someone my way who could potentially help bring that dream alive.
Silly me for wanting a baby that I can't have on my own (the reproduction part). I know there are artificial means but I say "NEVER!" to that. In vitro? No way! (No offense to others out there who want this.) Yes, there's adoption but I want my own baby. Plus, I've always told myself that I don't want my future baby to grow up without a father like me. (Wait, I had my grandpa as my first Papa but you get the drift.) The trauma would be too much for any child and I don't want to inflict that on another human being, especially my own flesh and blood. No, I don't blame my Mama or my Papa for my past, and I certainly don't blame God. I've stopped doing that and I don't wanna go down that road again. Too much poison, too much drama. Too tired for that.
And now Mariah is singing "I Wanna Know What Love Is" so I think it's time to close shop for the night. lol. There you go. Now you know part of my story. It's still TBC (to be continued) so we'll see. I place all my trust in Jesus because I know He will never desert me and He never disappoints. I guess He's saying "Wait!" I don't know what the future holds but I sure hope that someday, somewhere, someone is waiting to love me. And then the baby will follow. This I ask, in Jesus' name. Amen.
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