I used to consider myself fiercely independent and stubborn. But now I realize I was wrong about the independent part. Being stubborn is not something that I am particularly proud of, mostly because it does not result in good things and usually earns the ire of good people instead. Since this is a post about independence, I will hold off on the stubborn part and save it for another blog post.
A very wise sister once told me, in order to be truly independent, I have to work on my financial life. My understanding of that advice is this: once I am financially independent, I can do what I want to do with my life with little or no barriers. Well, the idealist in me sees it that way.
Now I realize that what my wise sister says is true. With financial independence comes freedom -- freedom to do the things that I want, with limits of course. I am still far from achieving my financial goals (I am not even halfway there) but now I understand what my sister meant. Now I am ready to pursue my dreams and be truly independent.
I have also unearthed a few (not so easy to digest) truths along the way:
I was very dependent on my Mama.
When she died, I crawled back into my little shell and have not emerged since. I was not only financially dependent on my mama, but also dependent on her for most of my needs - emotional, physical, even spiritual. So imagine my rage when God 'took her from me.' Yes, it's childish to say that but I have to say it out loud and see it in writing to fully understand the implication of that statement.
Acceptance does not come easy for me.
After almost 10 years, her death is still a blow that hurts and now I understand why. For some reason I keep nitpicking on the details and the more I do that, the further away I run from the genuine healing that God offers me every single day. It's like a scar whose scab never goes away because the owner (that's me!) keeps on picking at it. Annoying? Definitely! So why do I do it? Because it's the easiest thing to do. Rather than accept that Mama has moved on to a better place that God has prepared for her and all of us, I keep holding on to her. I know this is not healthy for both Mama and me.
God loves Mama and me.
I finally understand why God took her home earlier than I wished He would. She was suffering and He did not want her to. And so He has brought her to a better place. It truly is not about me. It's about Jesus. It's about His plan for my Mama. And His plan for me. And I am convinced that His plan for me is greater than anything I could ever understand or describe here. And so, I will pick up the pieces and move on.
His message is clear:
Take up your cross.
And so I will do all this and follow Jesus all my life. Or die trying. Now I understand why God 'took my Mama from me.' Yes, I was being childish. I still am. But now I know that God has a reason for everything and sometimes the fun part is in finding out what His reason is. Now I know that Jesus was, is, and always will be the Great I Am. Because He is. And He is always there. I may not see Him sometimes but His miracle is always evident. And for that I am eternally grateful. Now I can finally rejoice! Now I can dance!
Thank You, Jesus. I am awed by You. Always have, always will be. You Are and forever will be My God. Praise You, Jesus. Amen.