Does Anyone Know the Way to Total Surrender?

This question has been haunting me for 3 or 4 years now and I still don't know the answer.

It's very distracting, not knowing the answer. It's a bit like running around without direction. Not so funny image in my head right now... a headless chicken running around without any direction. And I mean the not so funny part.

This is really bothering me. I would love to hear some stories or some answers. I hope I find what I'm searching for because this is really giving me a lot of headaches and sleepless nights.

I am grateful. Please don't get me wrong Lord Jesus. I kind of get the feeling that the answer is staring me right in my face but for some reason it's like a sea mist... disappearing just as I'm about to reach out and touch it. Words can't describe it. This is sheer torture. I don't know what to make of this anymore.

It's like I'm scared to death but at the same time very excited. Does that make sense? It sure does not to me!

Sigh! I wish I could get just one hour with you Lord Jesus, maybe I need some scolding or something. At least that's how I feel. But I know that You are such a loving God that You would never want me to suffer without reason. Maybe I'm just punishing myself for something that should've been buried long ago.

Time to shut down, I think. Must be doing too much thinking again. Nothing new. Oh well. At least work is going well once more. Thank You Jesus. I just wish the rest of my life would fall into place soon. Time, please be kind...er. I wish I could take back some of the things I've said and done Lord Jesus Christ but this is probably part of my journey.

Thank God for Music. And Work. And FAMILY & FRIENDS. I would be lost without them. Especially the last two. Whew! Enough for now. I love You Lord Jesus and I always will. Thank You so much for Loving me first. Praise You for everything You Are and all that you have given me. I love You Jesus. Nyt nyt for now. :)