I haven't written my feelings for a while now so I think I'll give it a shot today. I have a bunch of projects waiting to be finished and I'm stressing a bit about them but I'm thinking to myself, I should probably give myself some time to "relax and sit at the foot of Jesus" just like it says in today's Gospel reflections.
I just had the worst night ever. I woke up at about 3am feeling a great big cramp on both arms because I joined an aerobics class last night and kind of overdid it, as I'm wont to do. I just said out loud, "Oh well, my fault" and then I realize that it's no longer helping me, this blame game. It's been going on for far too long and most of the time I point my very own fingers at myself anyway so I'm thinking, what's the point?
Going back to my "worst night ever" (lol. such drama.), I could barely move my arms let alone get back to sleep. Well, I can move them but they sure were heavy. Like I was lifting a couple of pails. And now I feel like Jill. Where on earth is Jack when you need him. lol. Seriously, all I could do was pray for deliverance and so I called on Jesus and Mama Mary and St. Joseph and our Heavenly Father, even though it was embarrassing for me after all the complaining I've been doing the past few... I don't know.
The good news is God does forgive. And He is loving. And he took away that awful, horrible pain in my arms. And I slept like a baby after that. I woke up feeling sluggish but refreshed and very, very hungry. I'm going through a crisis right now but I'm no longer that alarmed. I have no money for food, not even a piece of bread but I know now that God will never leave my side. Jesus is with me no matter what and He will take care of my needs.
I've been wracking my head for the best way to serve Jesus and Mama Mary like maybe build houses or take care of street children but now I realize that we are not called to do big things just to serve God. Every little thing I do to help a fellow human being is enough for Jesus and He never asked me to go to Africa to feed little children or build houses for the homeless here in Cebu. All He really wants is for me to never stray from Him. And I guess that is what Mama Mary wants me to do too.
I've been trying so hard to do so many things which I thought was so important. And I've been complaining A LOT because I feel so helpless, like I have not done my share to help others. In a way that is true but in a way that is also a lie. I just feel so helpless watching my grandma suffer not knowing how to alleviate her suffering and ease her pain. And so I immerse myself in my work, hoping that I can get away from that feeling of helplessness. I just want to take her pain away. My greatest fear right now, I guess, is losing her. I feel like I am useless because I can't heal her. I pray every day with her and for her but it seems that there is no improvement. And then I look up and see Jesus pointing towards his Sacred Heart and Mama Mary's hands folded in prayer and I realize that if I truly love my Lola, I would help her any way I could.
And so I say goodbye for now, hoping and praying for a miracle. I just need to know that I am helping. But I want it to be something concrete and not just money because I don't have any right now. I offer this prayer for my Lola.
Lord Jesus, I offer this prayer for my Lola Mary. Please ease her suffering and take her pain away. Guide me and use me to serve and love her more. Teach me the value of love, obedience, respect and true humility so that I can help ease her suffering. Show me Lord Jesus how I can help Lola and I will do it. This I ask in Jesus' name. Amen.
Mama Mary, Queen of all saints, pray for us. Amen.
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